Chapter 35 The God Lakes We Drink From

My favorite lakes entertain big old trees that belly right up to the edge of the water. I love it when their branches hover and draw near for nourishment in a natural dance.

These lakes are not man-made; no, they’re thoughtful and the spacing between the tree trunks and the water is perfect. In the autumn, the leaves fall on the surface and create a beautiful, multicolored blanket. I imagine the tree is warming the lake for the winter ahead; the poet in me presuming the tree’s devotion and thankfulness.

I suppose man-made lakes can still be pretty and maybe even majestic, but God lakes are mysterious, profound and inexplicably true. The water in them tends to be deeper and darker because the hole in the ground is a mystery that’s not been seen. Perhaps the floor of it bears the very fingerprint of God.

I’m not an expert on lakes, but the man-made ones seem to always need maintenance and chemicals to look the way they do.

The God lakes we drink from.


A carpenter worked in a barn with his father. Together they labored in a cloud of sawdust, their fingers calloused and blistered. Blueprints were given to them to build stage flats for a theatrical production. It was a tedious job, as each flat was identical: four feet by eight feet, and a foot off the ground. The production itself was quite lavish, and so, its set was correspondingly large. The flats would eventually be laid out to create a mammoth, cross-shaped stage.

What better shape and size to display the story of Jesus?

Many weeks went by and the carpenter and his father were true to their task, completing their work on time according to the blueprints given them. Afterward, the flats were neatly stacked in the back of their barn until such time they'd be needed, which was just around the corner.

However, as many things of such magnitude go, there were delays. And then, even more delays. Pretty soon, it became obvious that just around the corner would never come.

Eventually, the flats began to collect dust in the back of carpenter’s barn. One day, the carpenter called to ask if someone would please come and get them. And so, the man in charge of the lavish (albeit stalled) production did just that. He moved the flats and stacked them one by one in the back of an old theater where he hoped to someday perform his play.

Years went by and the play for which the stage was intended, despite all of the man's best efforts and planning and blueprints, well, it never quite made it to the light.

Deep within that theater though, another kind of light crept in. Oddly enough, even without the play, some very needy people from all around the world found a place of warmth and hope. They were loved and served while the theater underwent renovations. Soon, some sections of it were finished and it became a place for them to call their own.

And then, one day, a very passionate Sudanese woman decided that she wanted to send clothing back to her country men and women, many of whom were trying to survive while nearly naked in the neighboring refugee camps of Chad. So she held a clothing drive at the theater. And the clothes came, indeed they came to overflowing: in bushels and bags and they started to fill most of the theater's basement in big piles until such time that they could be shipped overseas.

The man (the one who originally planned to have a play about Jesus) thought it would not be good for the clothes to be on a damp basement floor for very long, and since the theater itself seemed to always be in a state of construction and disarray, he wondered if he could find something -- anything really -- to get the bags off the ground.

Even a foot off the ground would be enough.

So he thought of the flats and he found them in the back of the theater, where they had been quietly stacked for many years, and he began to carefully lay them out, one by one, so that the clothes could be on something dry.

And right around that time, the man believed that a Carpenter and his Father were true to their task, completing it on time for another kind of production; a much less lavish one indeed, with a stage built according to a entirely different set of blueprints.


I suppose man-made projects can still be pretty and perhaps even majestic, but God projects are mysterious, profound and inexplicably true.

The God lakes we drink from.

Chapter 34 He Carefully Untangles Me

There’s a low growl of pistons exploding beyond me and I stand still, hoping such a storm is approaching. I count the echoes as they defy my silence, and then I lie still and listen as they overlap and threaten each other, over and over some more. It’s coming closer, indeed and I’m nervous, for I’ve lost my way. Again.

Will such a disturbance confront my rebellion and stop to see me, or will I be denied? The collective bleating of a flock is a low hum now, a cackle off in the distance, over and beyond some hill I snuck away from. There are thousands calling out his name at the very moment I am, dare I say millions, and so, just like others bowing to such competition, I forfeit. I will let them have him, for surely I am just one and very unnoticeable.

But he knows me, and he calls me by name, louder and louder still. I know his voice too; I hear it above the thundering lack of a muffler and he’s weeping. I am hoarse from shouting back at the top of my lungs, no less a sheep who has strayed from my Master. I’m caught in a thicket, in this dark exile, my once able limbs broken symbolically in the brush.

Before long his engine is idling and he runs to me. He carefully untangles me and lifts me up and out of it; he fears no emasculation as his tears flow, for he knows they cleanse. Each and every one will cleanse.

“It’s time to ride again, Jeff” he says gently. “But first, a celebration!”

He's not angry? Surely, no one has loved me like this. He knows my name. He knows it like I'm the only sheep around. I was but one, drifting from some ninety-nine in a drove who stayed, and yet he is dancing and beckoning such a feast.

I was lost and now I'm found. That is all the explanation I need.

Sacred Cows

I was honored to be asked back as a guest editor of the Porpoise Diving Life's monthly e-zine. April is my month, and the theme is "Putting Some Sacred Cows out to Pasture."

Here is where you'll find it.. and you might see some familiar names when you visit!

Thanks,

Jeff

Chapter 33 Lukewarm I Lie Today

Came in close, I heard a voice
Standing stretching every nerve
Had to listen had no choice
I did not believe the information
(I) just had to trust imagination
My heart going boom boom boom

"Son," he said "Grab your things,
I've come to take you home."

Peter Gabriel “Solsbury Hill”


Early spring is fickle this year, just like always. The Indiana wind is whipping up something fierce and it takes turns deciding whose side it's on. Today it swirls a soothing, temperate gust, but tomorrow it will turn crisp and bitter, nearly cutting into my skin with its forceful rhythms and frigid barbs.

Even so, he stood in the middle of it, out in my cul-de-sac. His ride was leaning heavy into its kickstand and the blustery swirl had no influence on it. The tipping of such vintage steel wasn’t even an option, nor would he waver. His hair was all that moved -- what wasn’t shielded under a tattered bandana was nearly horizontal and it flowed free and easy, with disregard for any seasonal squall.

He was fifty yards or so beyond my comfort, but his eyes spanned it with deep concern. I thought I should tether myself to a pillar, perhaps one of grandeur that adorned my home.

How he didn’t get swept away was beyond me.

And then, just like Peter I doubted my step. Deep water was now a prevailing easterly wind and it would surely carry me to Ohio and beyond. Like another Peter my heart was going boom, boom, boom but I managed to split the distance between us, my eyes on his, and approached close enough to hear him over the storm. I had to listen, I had no choice.

"Son," he said "Grab your things,
I've come to take you home."

I imagined him there, disbelieving his words, but still needing to trust him as real, simply because he wouldn't press his flesh to mine. He had to be there with his dark eyes that always love more and judge less, but even so, he'll no longer trifle with my disobedience.

"But I’m fickle this year, just like always," I say. "I take turns deciding whose side I’m on."

He spread his arms then and I was in the eye of it. He spoke of lukewarm as if I didn’t know and I begged him to make me refreshing: cold to one on a hot day, or hot to another on a cold one.

He was not there to negotiate, my chances gone. And so he repeated.

"Son," he said "Grab your things,
I've come to take you home."

I woke up then and I was still.


The sun is peering over the eastern sky, and lukewarm I lie today. Before I move from this spot, I have no choice but to listen to random gusts beat against the walls with their own forceful rhythm.

I crave some tethering to an unwavering influence, and I know it's him. It's got to be him! The tipping of me can't be an option anymore.

Sweaters

I've been listening to a lot of Weezer lately, and now, through the wonders of Play Station and Guitar Hero, so is my teenage son. If you're not a Weezer fan, that's OK. I'm really just focusing here on one particular song, about sweaters, and because it's pretty dang cold out today, the sweater seems to fit.

So, from Weezer to sweaters, I somehow want to land on a particular topic, and that is, specifically, how we relate to those who are different from us. I happen to have some friends who are refugees (you may too), and what I'm finding these days is that as my relationships grow and mature, the differences between us, which once seemed so daunting .. well, they really aren't. Yeah, many of them are Muslim and I'm not. I get that. They get that. Doesn't seem to come up much, but when it does, I'm thinking we'll have a pretty healthy debate. Maybe they'll hear what I have to say, because I'm their friend. Or maybe they won't. Really, by that point in the game, after I've shared my side (you know, about Who it is I've chosen to follow), well, I've got to exit stage left anyway and let God do His transformational thing.

Because that's just how He does it, if He's gonna do it, methinks.

So, with all of that said, I thought I'd dust this old piece off and put in back up. Not much has changed since I first wrote this, and I still need to be reminded, daily, of why I wrote it in the first place.


My Handsome Sweater

If you want to destroy my sweater, pull this thread as I walk away.
Watch me unravel, I’ll soon be naked.
Lying on the floor, I’ve come undone.

Weezer


It occurs to me, right about now, as I’m listening to the angst-ridden lyrics of Weezer, that I too wear a sweater. Thankfully, mine is still intact, but it seems I take this for granted, when in fact I should count it all joy and be forever grateful, if only for the simple reason that I’ve been adorned with much splendor.

Still, I casually but confidently dither about in these garments of grandeur – the very regalia of the One who loves me. Certainly it’s a leap of epic proportions to jump from Weezer to God, I know, but you'll just have to trust me, and I promise to stitch it all up by the end.

You see, He, being in fact God, fills my lungs and suggests my pulse this day – and, come to think of it, yours as well – and He clothes us in such a fashion that we are quite beautiful to Him. So, to expand upon this darn of consciousness, Weezer got me to thinking that even as God weaves amazing and stunning beauty into His design, the stark reality is that we're always just one string pull away from becoming drastically and quite conclusively undone.

Indeed, I'm but a mere moment away from being discovered – naked and prostrate, lying face first on the floor next to a bundle of yarn that used to be my handsome sweater.

I say all of this because it seems, in my audacity, that I have ignored this notion, and I am perhaps not alone – especially in the Church – because we've reached a supreme level of self-sufficiency and superiority, and for lack of a better word, superciliousness.

Somehow, in some way, Weezer is enlightening me, and hopefully you, and revealing in no small way that we need to dispense with the misplaced and long-held presumption that God, in His infinite wisdom, saw fit to love us more than the next group of people. Certainly, He loves you and he loves me with a passionate, unrelenting and often unrequited love, but he loves you just as much as he loves me, and yes, he really does love that man or that woman or that group of individuals you’re pondering right now, which is certainly unthinkable, but it is ever true.

I have a hunch that in our circles, we don't give this much consideration. At least I don't, as I toss stares of judgment at the stylistically challenged and repeatedly render guilty verdicts in the fashion trials of my mind.

We go to great lengths to muster our own strength and we elbow our way to the front of the line and we endeavor quite smashingly to do it all on our own; we smugly assume that we're entitled to more favor in the eyes of our own private Creator, more favor than perhaps He would or should show for the next guy. We conclude that we're more pleasing to Him and more obedient, and with that affection and preference locked in for a lifetime, we set about to capably and confidently choose our own outfits and attempt to accomplish much through our garb and gear and accessorizing.

And this ability, this self-sufficiency, this cavalier independence, whether we like it or not, has its way with our denominational dress, our righteous and regal religious trimmings, our chic bias and our prideful and prejudicial panache.

But somehow we must repudiate the notion that these new trends we fashion and these styles we strut are exclusive reflections of God – the very One who, lest we forget, became a common, unadorned man, by choice, two thousand years ago, without pomp and circumstance. The very One who, right about now, in my imagination (and maybe yours), is seeking and loving all as he circles our respective towns as an unassuming Harley-riding peacemaker, wearing a leather vest that has some dried mud on the back of it, jeans that need a good wash, and boots that are beyond polishing.

Malign others for their inherent differences and their errancies if you must, but beware, for each of us bears the unfortunate but true unraveling point – that dangling, hanging string. We are, in fact, a mere stitch and pull away from being stripped naked on the floor, our destroyed sweater in a pile next to us, crying out to a Maker who sees mankind as His creation, a Stylist whose vogue is ever now; his love, ever true and unchanging.

Indeed, there must be acceptance and humility, a nimbleness and flexibility of spirit, a darning of a gentle mosaic manner, especially as a new kind of Church that serves not merely to tolerate, but to appreciate and integrate, for our world is increasingly made up of those who don't always fit into or match the clothing we pull from our collective closets.

And that, my friends, in a thimble, is what Weezer taught me today.

Hallie Update

For those of you who were following Hallie's story, and prayed so faithfully, here's an update via a note from my sister & family :-)

Hallie had her 1st Birthday this past week (1/31) and her 2 month transplant anniversary. She's still on restricted access to visitors due to her immunosuppressive medications, but we were able to have a small birthday party. She continues to gain weight (14 lbs 12 oz this week) and is on track with her visits to the transplant team.

Hallie is fighting a virus this week (which was expected), so is back on IV antibiotics for a while.

This birthday is a special anniversary for me. When we first received the diagnosis of her disease, biliary atresia, we of course read up on it. I can still vividly remember trying to understand all the medical descriptions but the part which needed no clarification was the part that said: the child "if untreated" would rarely live to be a year old. The miracle of her treatment and recovery are underscored by God's timing. If she was born in a different time or place she would probably never have celebrated this special birthday.

Thanks again for your prayers,

Jeff, Jodi, Kyle, Julie, Evie and of course Hallie.

Chapter 32 The Wine has Spilled Everywhere

There is a certain someone I know, and he lifts a glass to me. He greets me warmly, as a friend. This particular someone has been around for as long as I can remember, so, just for old time’s sake, I’ll have a drink with him.

Admittedly, the history we share is not a good one. His friendship is not something I want, yet, I still maintain it, partly because he won’t go away. I’m pretty sure he’ll never go away. He may leave town for a while, but then he comes back.

He always comes back.

I try to ward him off. I start by being subtle, but then I become quite rude about it. I’m standoffish, and I’m cold toward him. I reject him. I ask others to handle him on my behalf, and they do, for a time. When that doesn't seem to help, I verbally abuse him. I push him out of my life, and have done so more times than I care to remember, but he never gets the hint.

Weary from his constant invitations and pestering, I finally give in, and I do what he wants. I hang out with him. I listen to him. Really, I just listen to his lies. I know they’re lies, but I listen anyway because somehow he makes them seem so, well, inconsequential.

Then he makes me tell my own lies as a show of loyalty toward our so-called friendship.

The first glass of wine he pours for me is sweet. And so is the second. Usually, around the third or fourth, there’s a bitterness, but by this point I really don’t care. I'm coherent enough, though, to know that once again, he’s done it; somehow he’s gotten me to spend time with him, and through my haze he taunts me and laughs at me.

I brace myself, because I know what’s next. He usually finds something hard in the room, and then he hits me with it. Not once or twice, but many times. When I finally can’t take it anymore, I fall to the ground and he kicks me. He is still laughing at this point. The wine has spilled everywhere.

My eyes are swollen shut and with each breath my splintered ribs rub their shards of bone against my lungs. Something inside me has died, again; yet another piece of me.

I’m helpless now and he leaves me, alone and bloodied on the floor. He mutters something about not needing me or wanting me anymore, then he kicks me again and I black out.

Time passes and I mostly heal. I promise myself that the next time he comes around, I’ll be firm. Somehow though, when I see him again, I always seem to forget about the beatings until the last minute. But by then, it's too late.

He has a name, though it's not important that you know what it is. You probably know him anyway, but call him something else.

All I know is that, for me, I must cast out this demon.

Chapter 31 Maybe It's All Art

I kick the dust off this slumber, and I lie awake. As I do, I wonder if this art of mine will persevere. Rubbing my eyes, I hear voices saying that really, what I do -- it's not art at all.

But then I argue. I think that it should be, because I like to toy with words and join them together in print, mixing this one with that, to paint something that I cannot speak. These words I choose have no access to my tongue, nor your ears, but somehow they find a way from my fingertips to your eyes. My brush, such as it is, dabs the color of black on white, with just a glimmer of hope that what's left will somehow color your imagination.

Well, alright. Maybe my particular art isn't obvious enough. True art is found in, uhh .. music. I listen to it and I wish I could make it.

Or in museums. I visit real art in museums. And I study it in history.

Maybe theater. I watch as a thespian reveals his art in a play. Or I watch another, as she dances hers in a ballet.

I reach out and touch art, because a sculptor fashions his hands just so.

A poet muses and finds achievement and accolades in the dawn of some tortured awakening. I read it and I know for sure that it's art.

But, what if art was never meant to be defined as some cultural appreciation of finer things or some pleasure to humanity and its senses? What if, instead, it was every good and noble effort rising out of the depth of mankind's ability to create? What if that which is subtle, or crying out -- that which is emanating from some collective passion and giftedness, becomes, well ... art to the eyes and ears of Another?

Like, maybe it’s all art?

An engineer offers his exactness, just as his wife's cleanliness and style splashes a canvas. Together their home is well designed and clean and very hip, and it hangs on the wall of their neighborhood like a priceless Monet.

Another artist paints comfort to the hurting and affirmation as he lifts a slumping shoulder. His mercy rises off the palette, and it pleases the Almighty.

An architect sets the stage, and a builder depicts the skyline.

A physician, immersed in a world of science and sequential practicality is perhaps unaware of the choreography of her healing, and a God who dances in the rhythm of it.

One man fancies himself a teacher, and rightfully so. A gifted orator, his words are perfect cadence, and they spill off his tongue like a melody. They form the greater sum of his intent so students can learn, and in so doing, they render a symphony to the ears of a Father.

So, my hunch is that God knows of this enduring masterpiece; of what hue we’ll paint to accent the whole, of what chord our instruments will play to delight Him, for He alone bequeathed each talent to us. We are artists, each in our own way, and we must find our fatted calf -- to express it and perform it on the stage of His choosing; yes, an altar to bring a sacrifice of who we are in the midst of the art we create.


I sit on the edge of the bed and for now, my arguing is over, because I think this is true.

That, maybe, just maybe .. it's all art.

Chapter 30 He's Relentless About It

In the thick and the thin of all that’s indefinite in the days to come, a moment should be taken to reflect on that which is certain and easily known to me and to you.

From where we sit right now, in a room or open sky, in our town and in our day.

I speak of the days that tumble backward into weeks and the months that cascade into years; the very ones that have led us to this exact point in time, with the view outside our windows. The events we’ve known and the decisions we’ve made have shaped us to become who we are. Or who we aren't. Each epoch of our lives until now can be read like a book, with absolute certainty, because they have been. They were real, not imagined.


I wrote that a few years ago, but I think of it often. It's just that ... well, I’m forever being pursued by a faithful God who is eager to show me what He’s been up to, in my life and the lives of those around me. He wants me to get a clue as to what His Kingdom is like. He's relentless about it, and He's after you too, just in case you're wondering.

He loves us that much.

For me, seven long years have passed since I set out to produce a play about Jesus. That’s old news to anyone who has followed this blog. Seven years of grappling with the reasons why I was set on this course. Seven years of stumbling around in the dark of a decrepit old porn theater; seven years spent discovering a Jesus who cares deeply for the poor and the disenfranchised. During that time, my eyes were also opened to a new view of Church (the very Bride we are), and to our Bridegroom (who by the way, looks nothing like the one I had created for my own convenience in the aforementioned play).

To Him, of course, seven years is as an instant, but it takes at least that long for new concepts to get through my thick head. Fast forward to today, and through no foresight of our own, the fledgling non-profit that rose from the ashes of a failed play is knocking on the door of potentially becoming a full-fledged refugee resettlement agency. From fledgling to full-fledged must be how He does it.

We've spent years establishing partnerships and cultivating volunteers, all with good intentions, but never quite knowing the full extent of what those relationships would mean. He knew why, of course. He knew in our un-knowing. So now, when a refugee arrives (the very foreigner His son calls us to love), we have a built-in network available to warmly welcome a stranger. A holistic approach to serving (aka “resettling”) a refugee has been His design and plan for some time, for He knows better than us the extent that someone is stinging from the unspeakable pain of leaving his or her homeland -- one of instability and war, from half-way around the world.

Oh yes, He knows. He always knows.

It is not our place to explain God and the fullness of His plans. It’s a fool’s folly. Certainly a glimpse is all we’re given, but I'm convinced that a glimpse is one of the best gifts He gives us. It's the roadmap He’s pointing us back to. Mine got pretty wrinkled, and the paper is soft from all of the unfolding and re-folding, but it marks a journey from my past to my present. A peek like that may just be the best chance I ever get to know what God's up to, at least in this time we know.

Sure, the roadmap will reveal the many diversions that we've all taken away from Him. It will expose our stubbornness and poor choices. It will surely disclose that we have far to go -- indeed, quite a distance to travel. But there’s a turning, a subtle but true convergence of this road and that, all merging together to ultimately point us due North, and back to His very presence. It's undeniable.

So, all of that to say, what about you? Will you unfold your map and spread it out on the table? Probably a lot of zig-zagging going on. If you're anything like me, you'll need to get out the highlighter and figure out where you've come from and what you've traveled through. And why you did.

What has God been trying to show you all of this time?


These are the decisions that I (and hopefully you) have made, the very choices that we need to find and re-read in the chapters that have been. Because for better or for worse, they brought my fingers to this keyboard, and your eyes to this page, from where we sit, with the view out our window.


And there are more chapters to be written.

Home for Christmas

Hallie came home Christmas Eve! Thank you so much for your prayers and e-mails of concern for this sweet little niece of mine!

Here's a note from my brother-in-law (also Jeff) and sister Jodi:


Hallie came home today; What a miracle. Jodi and I would like to thank everyone who was praying for little Hallie. It is still hard to believe that she has gone from a future of certain and imminent death to one of health and hope. As I contemplate these past few weeks on the eve of the celebration of God's greatest gift to this world, his son Jesus. I cannot help see in a small way a similarity. God's gift of his son provides, to any one who will accept it, the miracle of eternal life with him in the place of certain death and separation. Like most people in this world, Hallie did not know she was sick. She was born that way. Only after her miracle will she know what a healthy body feels like.


May God bless this special Christmas in your home as he has done in ours. Thank you again for praying for and for coming by to visit Hallie while she was in the hospital.

Jeff and Jodi

Chapter 29 And the Soul Felt Its Worth

Long lay the world
in sin and error pining
'til he appeared
and the soul felt its worth

Placide Cappeau (1808-1877)


Lest we forget, there’s something so profound and beautiful about this soul, such that One would appear and find it worthy. This is not discovered in the lights, the candy, the wrappings; though perhaps some in the goodwill toward men.

Far more stunning is the gesture, the willingness, the absolute absurdity that He would appear at all. And far be it that He would just make an entrance, to chide and counsel, to draw others to some vague light and mysticism. No, he emerged helpless and weak; and even while soft and human, at least two souls in a lowly manger felt their worth. And then another, a lonely shepherd watching his flock by night. Soon, some wise men too, and thus began the process of souls finding significance, multiplying here and there over thirty-three years. But even those were a pittance; those were just the early investment to bolster a public offering, one which would compound with interest: an explosion of mathematical certainty that was worth every moment in-utero, every hammered thumb of carpentry's youth, and most of all, each and every puddle of blood poured out for souls to come.

Yet, despite it all, the world lay in sin, still to this day, and therein lies the error of an ancient poet, for we are once and forever sinners, each of us errors pining to the end, to our death. We must know why He emerged and made good on prophecies of old. Each and every soul must cry out above these carols and festivities, these tried and true traditions, to find its full value, the high bounty on it; to seek the One who would ransom such rabble.

Shall we realize the payoff now? Shall we cash it in and justly recognize the dividend of each transformed life, of miracles, goodness and grace? Yes, we must, for with each nod of acceptance from the Almighty these souls of ours are sanctified, and they bask in the warmth of His approval; for this, this is why He appeared.

And that is the wonder of Christmas.

12/19 Update

12/19

Hallie is doing well! Her weight is up and she's been eating a lot, and due to the proper dosage, she's been responding very favorably to her anti-rejection drugs. She's even been getting special treatment from the doctor who invented the drug (how cool is that?). My sister (Jodi) thought they may move her out of intensive care and into a regular room later today.

Your prayers have meant a great deal to Jodi, me and my entire family .. thank you everyone! Please continue lifting up this sweet little girl as you think of her!

Merry Christmas!

Jeff

12/16

Hallie is slowly but surely responding to the anti-rejection medication! Her doctors seem pleased by her progress this past week. Please keep praying as you think of her, and I'll post more updates as I get them. Thank you all for your prayers this week.. they have been so appreciated by everyone!

Jeff

Please Pray for Hallie

UPDATE 12/10

This past week had been very encouraging as Hallie returned to a healthy color and she emerged fairly happy from anesthesia, looking more healthy than she had in a very long time.

Unfortunately, over the weekend, we learned that her little body has started to reject the new liver. They are removing her from all current anti-rejection medications and replacing those with the strongest anti-rejection drugs available. She will undergo a liver biopsy today. Though the liver itself seems healthy and viable and her blood work has been good, her color is yellowing again and the liver counts are dangerously low. They are hoping that these new drugs will reverse the situation. If not, Hallie will be placed first on the nationwide donor list for a liver transplant. This will hopefully provide another liver more quickly, but of course it will require a second major surgery for this 11 pound, 10 month old little girl.

Your prayers are so appreciated, and please pass this link on to others whom you know will pray. We know of a omnipotent Father who is painfully aware of this situation and yet, He still uses our petitions to move mountains.

Thanks everyone,

Jeff

Chapter 28 There's No Other White Like This

I shouldn't wear white to our wedding. This gown should be gray, or ashen. It should be smudged in random places with oily black. Perhaps some color of sin, like scarlet, could be woven in the threads.

Our engagement has been long, and I’ve not been faithful. You know I’ve chosen other lovers. I’ve taunted you, my Groom, and threatened to leave. I’ve flaunted my betrayal in your face while you’ve wept for me. The ring of promise you gave me is tarnished, and the stone, chipped. I’ve taken it off or moved it to another finger more times than I care to remember. Quite often, it just didn’t fit, so I'd replace it with baubles and trinkets.

Of course, over the years, I’ve used your name when it was helpful, to deceive others and advance my cause. I still do, actually. To reveal that I’m betrothed can be quite beneficial, when I want it to be. Especially when those very same others realize who it is I’m going to marry.

You know all of this, but still, you wait, unwavering. My infidelity has been tragic, yet your passion for me has been unrequited. My loyalty has been sporadic, while you remain steadfast.

And here we are, after all of this time. We’ve chosen Christmas for our wedding day. You’ve always said that this age would come to an end, and you were right. The months evolved into generations, and the seasons into epochs. After two thousand years, we’ve come full circle, for this is a time of profound love.

And Love is who you are.

The orchestra has begun and I smell the feast awaiting us. I’m sitting in the back room where I wait nervously, as any bride would. I look down into my lap and I smooth the brilliant white of this silk and satin. There's no other white like this.

You’re not supposed to come and see me, but you do, and you’re smiling. I can’t understand why you haven't given up on me, or why you would want me after all these years; after all I've done.

But yet, somehow, you love me even more, for I am your Church.

~~~

I wake up then, still caught in the grandeur of this expectant dream.

I have matured, and I’ve grown; I've learned from my mistakes. Yes, I know that my eyes still wander. My motives aren’t always pure. I get distracted by unimportant things.

We’ve still a month to go, so I’ve got some time; more time for dreaming and waking. Indeed, I've still some waking up to do.

By Christmas, you'll see. Just you wait and see. I promise that I’ll be Bride you’ve been dreaming of, too.

Update on Hallie

UPDATE 12/3

I'm happy to report that Hallie has a new liver!

In a flurry of activity over the weekend, a 24 year-old woman passed away, and she had designated that all of her organs could be donated. She helped and perhaps saved the life of many people with that sacrifice, Hallie being just one of them.

Hallie is doing well after the surgery and is still under heavy anesthesia. Please pray that everything will go well as her little body heals and as it adapts to this new liver.

Please also pray for the loved ones of the woman who died.

Thank you for your prayers!!

Jeff

Chapter 27 Those Italics are Mine

Yeah, I know you told me to drop everything and follow you.

And so I did.

But when I dropped everything, there was this knee-jerk reaction to pick it all back up, because I couldn't have pieces of my life scattered everywhere, now could I?

Somehow, though, I was able to keep everything in disarray and follow you with abandon, but I still knew you were going to send those people. I hope you didn't watch my eyes. You would have seen I wasn't focused. Wasn't paying very close attention. Too much stuff on the floor. Who could concentrate with all of that clutter?

Fast forward to today and I’m still looking at what I dropped and how I can go and grab it and be busy again, because if I’m busy, I’m safe. Not only am I safe, but in my highly industrious, albeit hectic state, others perceive me as vital and significant, and, therefore, too important. Then, they don’t expect any more from me than I have time to give.

Which is why I'm so good at finding someone else who can help. That's what I do.

It sounds like it’s all about me, my time, and my boundaries, but if everyone would just chalk it up as my spiritual gift, well, then they would understand that I don't have the wherewithal or skill-set to enter into true intimacy with anyone.

Least of all the least of these.

So, I guess what I'm saying is, yeah, I did drop everything, and I did follow you, and that got me here, but you've got to let me straighten things up again. The room must be neat and clean and orderly so that others may enter in, you know, to an uncluttered place so that they can find what it is they’re looking for. And that's you, I hope.

I’m a facilitator. I’m a conduit. Yes, that is my role. I’m a four lane highway of over anxious efficiency, because I have to be, to help you be all that you can be.

I know, you're probably thinking that I’m avoiding something. But, so is everyone else. At the heart of each weakness and each failure is the avoidance of that one thing which, if we faced it, we’d be different and altogether better people. I get it.

That one guy we all know, he avoids responsibility. The woman we're thinking of – sure, we can all see her – she avoids frivolity.

That crazy uncle, the one that every family has, he's off in the corner, his head hung low. He avoids his past.

And the woman in the window or crossing the street, or folding the laundry in the next room, she avoids what the future holds. As best she can.

Some avoid commitment. Or maybe it's confrontation. Others avoid peace. Still others avoid the truth like it’s the plague.

Even as someone might read this, he or she, well, they're trying to figure out what that nagging little thing is that always gets avoided in their own life. Or maybe it’s not so little. Maybe it’s that big gorilla in the room.

But, then with some kind of audacity you say, “I came with the authority of my Father, and you either dismiss me..”

Gulp.

“…or avoid me.” (John 5:43)

Those italics right there, those are mine. I can just hear you saying it. Like I would ever have the gall to avoid you. Of course I’m not avoiding you. I’m just capitalizing on my strengths.

Yeah, my strengths.

***

And so it was, this past Saturday, that I sat in the Rialto and I conducted intake for our new legal clinic. We’ve started off small, only once a month, but word is starting to get out on the street, simply that our volunteer attorneys are available to listen and help, and it’s all for free.

It was a beautiful sight, really, to witness people in our old porn theater; those seeking refuge in this town, from various African nations, and God knows where else.

Ahem. Sorry. You know where else.

Others came from just down the street. It didn’t matter. They each had a need for justice in their lives, so they showed up.

I had them fill out forms, and I offered them water or coffee or hot chocolate. I made sure they were comfortable as they waited. Waited for those attorneys to help them.

I put together our Christmas trees while they patiently sat there. I made sure I was busy. God forbid I go and sit with them and learn their name and enter in their lives.

And then, dammit, you startled me and I dropped everything all over again because you caught me off guard and you were almost yelling when you said,

“You avoided me!”

Those italics are mine.

Chapter 26 Fan this Ember

There is a faint hope worth clinging to; it flickers, against all odds, as a slow burning cinder in an otherwise dark and windowless room.

It can’t be extinguished, not by us. Not by anyone. We know it’s there, in the corner, lighting a small space. Were it not there, death and fear would overtake us.

This hope, this ember, is eternal.

But, still, even while it illuminates the distance, it’s too far; it’s much too far from these tactile, temporary senses of ours. We’re on the other side, allowing our eyes to adjust to the darkness, letting the meager light it gives be all that we need. All that we require.

This hope, such as it is, won’t satisfy like the competing darkness, like momentary folly. In the dark, we’ve learned how to live. I can see an outline of you. You can see an outline of me.

And that’s good enough.

This hope, this goodness – we excuse it because we need it to burn brighter and hotter, and fight for us more tenaciously, white knuckled and impassioned. Otherwise, it’s – well, it’s just there. It's just a little light. Yes, it's a little light of mine, but it's not shining.

Perhaps it can’t be all that we want. Maybe it's not all that it's cracked up to be. Come on, it can’t possibly sustain us and light the path of our scattered thoughts; it can’t brighten our consuming distractions. How could it possibly illuminate our selfish intentions?

Better yet, let's continue to co-exist with these demons, ones who’ve been previously welcomed as some twisted guests of honor. This self of mine is tragic, even criminal at times.

Best you see just a shadow of me.

But maybe, just maybe, if we collectively exhale, we can fan this ember into a flame. Maybe even more than a flame. Could it rage, engulf and consume our wickedness? Could we then see each other for who we really are?

I, for one, would like that, I think.

Yes, this hope must burn brighter. Hotter. It has to, because I need to know that someday, I won’t be selfish anymore.

And you won’t use such harsh words.

I won’t lose my temper.

And you won’t be critical of my dreams.

I won’t withhold love.

And you won’t manipulate me.

I won’t sneak away and keep harmful secrets.

You won’t judge me if I finally share those secrets.

I won’t look for a quick fix.

You won’t pretend that you know it all.

Together we won’t seek out coping devices to disguise our insecurities, our fears, our inadequacies.

This all makes sense!

Yes, this hope must burn with an intensity, such that shadows can’t creep in. Look at me full and exposed, and let me see you too!

This is a hope worth clinging to.

Update on Hallie

UPDATE 10/10

Not much to report, other than Hallie is stable at home and enjoying the company of her family. Family members have been tested, and she remains #1 on the donor transplant list for the entire state of NY! That gives her doctors the luxury of being highly selective with regard to the liver they pick.

So, we wait.

Thank you so much for your prayers, and even now, I know everyone could use a few more! Pray that God would see fit to provide the perfect liver for this sweet little girl, however that may come about.

Blessings!

Jeff

I may be wayyy behind on this, so forgive me if you've already seen this clip.

For the record, I'm a typical guy. Not too many tears comin' out of me unless I hit my thumb with a hammer.

But, dammit all, if this didn't make me cry like a baby.

I dare you to keep a dry eye during this:

Paul Potts

Chapter 6, 7 & 8

are up!

OK, so maybe I STILL feel like a dork telling you when chapters are up, but if you want to stop by and read about Sentry's continuing adventures, I've made it through Chapter 8.

And, who knows, when you encounter yet ANOTHER construction zone in your town, you may just wonder .. what's really caused these roads to need repair?

Your comments thus far and interest in the plot have been most rewarding and encouraging :-)

Thank you!

Jeff

Sentry Merged Left, Chapter 4

Check it out ... here!

Sentry Merged Left, Chapter 3

is up!

For those of you reading.. thank you! Your comments have been most kind and encouraging :-)

Sentry Merged Left, Chapter 2

You can find it here!

This Very Cool Couple

Wow.. Some of you are going to be sooo jealous because I got to have lunch yesterday with none other than Becky Kenealy (and her awesome husband Dan). Becky is just as warm and genuine and kind as you'd imagine from reading her blog, and it was a true pleasure to spend some time with this very cool couple. Thank you Becky and Dan for taking the time to swing by Fort Wayne on your multi-state motorcycle ride!

Also, have a quick clarifying prayer request. You saw in my recent whiny post that publishing efforts are fraught with various forms of torture at every turn, not the least of which is waiting and then, well, rejection. You can't sugar coat it -- it just is what it is. My problem is that I don't turn the whole thing over to prayer and let it go like I should. I hold onto the good the bad and the ugly of the process like grim death.

I'm a little thick headed that way.

With that said, below are the publishing houses that have rejected it, and the others (in red) still remain as possibilities, though Steve Laube (that agent o' mine) considers them more in the "distant" possibility category. The landing of an agent was a very good thing, but this good thing won't last forever.

Essentially, if these don't work out, I'm back to marketing it on my own.

So, distant or not, I'm pretty sure that God is capable of the type of miracle necessary to turn it around. Yes, it be true.. anything is possible through Him. Can I get an amen?

Any and all prayers would truly be appreciated!!



In the "still possible" category:

Zondervan
Revell
FaithWords/Hachette
Berkley/Penguin
Howard/Simon & Schuster
NavPress
IVP




Rejected (how could they?)


Moody
Jossey-Bass
Waterbrook/Random House
Thomas Nelson
Cook Communications
Regal Books
Broadman

Reviewing Sentry Merged Left

You've probably noticed that I've been veering from my usual stuff and writing more fiction than usual, which is really what I love to do.

Anyhow, I'm trying to write a story that's been floating around in my head for a while, and it all started with my oldest son pointing to a construction sign that pointed us to merge lanes, but there was no construction afterward.

Nothing, for miles.

Anyhow, after numerous false starts with my writing over the years, I started blogging in 2004, and if it wasn't for this process I never would have finished anything, let alone the book that is floating to my right in the sidebar.

So, all of that to say, it's much more fun to have you with me during the process as I tackle this particular story.

I was wondering if you'd be so kind as to read it and give me your feedback? I hope to post at least one chapter a week until it is finished as an entire book, but it will be on a different blog, which I'll point you to for Chapter 2.

Throughout the process it will be officially cleaned up by an awesome editor (yes, that means you, Leslie) and into a book proposal, then to the very cool agent who is representing me for the other rabble I've written (though he tells me he doesn't handle this kind of material, so we'll just have to change his mind about that).

This would of course make you, my beloved five or six readers, front seat to a process which, start to finish, has about 98% chance of crashing and burning.

But it's fun nonetheless.

(If you can't tell, I'm only a little bit cynical about the publishing process, and this is because out of fifteen publishers that said very cool agent has submitted So I Go Now to -- now called A Carpenter at the Rialto -- I've received six rejections, albeit very nice ones. Six down, nine to go, so maybe you could lift up a prayer. )

(i'm waiting)

Thank you!! Oh, and by the way, the waiting game while trying to get a book published is excruciating. I think it should be a new form of torture.

Alright already, enough of my whining.

Chapter 1, below!

thanks..

Jeff