Chapter 27 Those Italics are Mine

Yeah, I know you told me to drop everything and follow you.

And so I did.

But when I dropped everything, there was this knee-jerk reaction to pick it all back up, because I couldn't have pieces of my life scattered everywhere, now could I?

Somehow, though, I was able to keep everything in disarray and follow you with abandon, but I still knew you were going to send those people. I hope you didn't watch my eyes. You would have seen I wasn't focused. Wasn't paying very close attention. Too much stuff on the floor. Who could concentrate with all of that clutter?

Fast forward to today and I’m still looking at what I dropped and how I can go and grab it and be busy again, because if I’m busy, I’m safe. Not only am I safe, but in my highly industrious, albeit hectic state, others perceive me as vital and significant, and, therefore, too important. Then, they don’t expect any more from me than I have time to give.

Which is why I'm so good at finding someone else who can help. That's what I do.

It sounds like it’s all about me, my time, and my boundaries, but if everyone would just chalk it up as my spiritual gift, well, then they would understand that I don't have the wherewithal or skill-set to enter into true intimacy with anyone.

Least of all the least of these.

So, I guess what I'm saying is, yeah, I did drop everything, and I did follow you, and that got me here, but you've got to let me straighten things up again. The room must be neat and clean and orderly so that others may enter in, you know, to an uncluttered place so that they can find what it is they’re looking for. And that's you, I hope.

I’m a facilitator. I’m a conduit. Yes, that is my role. I’m a four lane highway of over anxious efficiency, because I have to be, to help you be all that you can be.

I know, you're probably thinking that I’m avoiding something. But, so is everyone else. At the heart of each weakness and each failure is the avoidance of that one thing which, if we faced it, we’d be different and altogether better people. I get it.

That one guy we all know, he avoids responsibility. The woman we're thinking of – sure, we can all see her – she avoids frivolity.

That crazy uncle, the one that every family has, he's off in the corner, his head hung low. He avoids his past.

And the woman in the window or crossing the street, or folding the laundry in the next room, she avoids what the future holds. As best she can.

Some avoid commitment. Or maybe it's confrontation. Others avoid peace. Still others avoid the truth like it’s the plague.

Even as someone might read this, he or she, well, they're trying to figure out what that nagging little thing is that always gets avoided in their own life. Or maybe it’s not so little. Maybe it’s that big gorilla in the room.

But, then with some kind of audacity you say, “I came with the authority of my Father, and you either dismiss me..”

Gulp.

“…or avoid me.” (John 5:43)

Those italics right there, those are mine. I can just hear you saying it. Like I would ever have the gall to avoid you. Of course I’m not avoiding you. I’m just capitalizing on my strengths.

Yeah, my strengths.

***

And so it was, this past Saturday, that I sat in the Rialto and I conducted intake for our new legal clinic. We’ve started off small, only once a month, but word is starting to get out on the street, simply that our volunteer attorneys are available to listen and help, and it’s all for free.

It was a beautiful sight, really, to witness people in our old porn theater; those seeking refuge in this town, from various African nations, and God knows where else.

Ahem. Sorry. You know where else.

Others came from just down the street. It didn’t matter. They each had a need for justice in their lives, so they showed up.

I had them fill out forms, and I offered them water or coffee or hot chocolate. I made sure they were comfortable as they waited. Waited for those attorneys to help them.

I put together our Christmas trees while they patiently sat there. I made sure I was busy. God forbid I go and sit with them and learn their name and enter in their lives.

And then, dammit, you startled me and I dropped everything all over again because you caught me off guard and you were almost yelling when you said,

“You avoided me!”

Those italics are mine.